Half-Life Journey

Part of the Half Life Journey is figuring out that what you think you were doing correctly is not really right at all. In marriage, in mine in particular, this is manifesting in the realization that neither of us is really very happy in our relationship. The past two weeks have given us the deepest conversations we’ve had in a long time. If you imagine a pot of boiling liquid, at the top might be my reaction to how sharp her choice of words are, and the tone she takes towards me. For her, the top layer is me withdrawing from her in the face of said tone and bluntness. At the very bottom of my pot is me feeling lacking since my childhood. In the face of her words and tone, I struggle to feel good enough, struggle with worthiness, and wonder if I deserve her as my wife. My coping skill is to withdraw into myself. For her, the bottom of the pot is her feeling invisible and unheard, feeling wrong and unworthy when I withdraw or react poorly to the thoughts and feelings she shares. It makes hesitant to share again, and erodes trust that I will truly listen without reacting.

Just thirty minutes ago, we were talking about schedules and I offered to help with a task. Her response was short and hasty, with her saying that my offer to help is frustrating when I “don’t think it through,” meaning I offered without considering what I might have going on in my schedule that may actually prevent me from helping. Most of us say “it’s the thought that counts.” With my wife, no it doesn’t. I’m trying to understand what she is saying and see it from her perspective, but I am honestly having trouble with the part where my offer is not only unappreciated, but actually frustrating to her. Her stance doesn’t really encourage me to offer my help or my assistance, since the offer is not appreciated by her. “Thank you” for things I am “supposed to do anyway” are also not appreciated by her and it’s not an exaggeration to say she never says thank you when I do them.

Years and decades tell me that she makes me feel this way, but the reality is that I allow it. I allow her words to nurture feelings of inferiority in me. I allow it every time. I can freely admit that I allow her and her words to upset and offend me. I withdraw in defense because I read her responses as her way of saying I am not good enough for her. As I enter the third year of my Half-Life Journey, I honestly wonder if our marriage is going to make it past this year. I don’t know that I have the strength, will or want to push back against my instincts to wall myself off from her in my anger. I know what I have to do: I either have to work hard and face uncomfortable truths about myself in this process, or find myself facing another divorce, the split of my household, and the traumatization of my children because of that separation. The choice seems like a pretty easy one from the outside.